Dear Eric: I recently discovered my husband was messaging/talking to three women through the dating portion of Facebook. I saw messages on his phone from one woman and a phone call for 44 minutes.
I confronted him and he said he was trying to learn how to communicate and he was not cheating.
I decided that if he thought this was OK, then it should be OK for myself, too. I started my own profile in the dating portion of Facebook. He did not like the attention I was getting and he shut down his account and ended all communication. I also ended mine.
We have a great intimate relationship but I’m still hurt and untrusting of him. We have been through a lot over the past 28 years. Do you have any advice?
– Sore Messenger
Dear Messenger: Of all the places one can “learn how to communicate”, Facebook’s dating section is the least ideal. Was Toastmasters booked?
While he may think he wasn’t cheating, it’s clear that what he was doing was outside the bounds of your relationship as it currently stands. Clarity about where the lines are, especially if the lines have moved in the last 28 years, will help you both act with love and respect.
Ask him what he’s looking for and if there are things he’s not getting. Ask yourself that, too, and don’t be afraid to tell him.
It may be that you both agree that taking “conversation lessons” like Eliza Doolittle in “My Fair Lady” is OK. His jealousy about the attention you were getting shouldn’t dictate the rules.
But I’d be very cautious of making any moves that are simply tit for tat. You can’t revenge date your way to a healthier relationship. However, if you want to add more zip to your talks with each other, try the conversational card games “The And” by Skin Deep and “Where Should We Begin” by Esther Perel.
Dear Eric: Ever since the pandemic started, a few relatives have chosen to distance themselves from the rest of my immediate family. We used to see each other every weekend like clockwork for years, and then, without any explanation, they dropped off the face of the earth. No contact attempts from them whatsoever.
Naturally, this dynamic no longer includes gifts or greeting cards. Last year, I learned that three of these now-distant relatives have been in constant connection with one another.
In the interest of rebuilding a connection, I sent each of them a simple birthday gift in the mail to let them know that they’re loved and were being thought of. Not one of them reached out to thank me for the gifts I sent them.
Just like one of your previous columns noted: I feel sometimes no answer is an answer.
This year, I just sent a quick text as birthday wishes. Yep, you guessed it: they acknowledged my texts! Message received: they prefer not to participate in gifts. But then riddle me this: They don’t acknowledge my gifts, we hardly ever speak, yet they will send me hundreds of dollars for my birthday and Christmas? What is going on here?
– To Give Or Not To Give
Dear Give: The plot twist at the end of your question really got me! Hundreds of dollars? Oh my word!
These relatives may not think they’re as distant as you think they are. Money talks, but sometimes it mumbles. Reach out to ask your relatives to translate.
Try a phone call. “We’ve been out of contact for a while. Did something happen and, if so, can we fix it?” They may think, since they’re sending stacks of cash, that all is well.
The fact that the break happened around the pandemic might be a clue here, also. It was easy for relationships to fall out of rhythm and some haven’t recovered. It was also a fraught time politically. So, maybe someone in your immediate family posted something online that the distant relatives didn’t like.
Judging by the gifts, though, they’ve clearly thought of you. Reach out and find out exactly what they’re thinking.
Dear Eric: Abandoned Grandmother was hurt that she sent money to her grandkids and heard nothing back. I don’t have that problem, because I communicate with the younger kiddos in my life via social media and money transfer via apps.
If a grandchild posts a picture of them out with friends, I will send $25 via a money app and say something like “enjoy a glass of wine on me!” I always get a thank you text, often instantly, sometimes with a selfie and a phone call later where they discuss friends, activities and so on.
– Social Media Grandma
Dear Grandma: That’s very generous! And very creative! Cheers!
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
