Dear Eric: Before he passed years ago, my father transferred his beach house to his six adult kids. We did not ask to become owners of a shared house, and I always thought it was a horrible idea.
Most of us kids tend to travel to different places, while one has always loved to vacation at the beach house. My father would hand expenses to those of us with higher incomes, not to the sibling who loved the house, as he couldn’t afford the upkeep.
The five siblings who didn’t want the house or expense said it was time to sell. Years went by. The brother who wants the house is unable to buy it or maintain it on his own. He promised it would impact our relationship if we forced the sale, which we ultimately did, and he kept his word (now estranged). Of course, the proceeds from the house were shared equally, after the legal fees.
Close family friends have heard my brother’s side, and mentioned to me I could afford the house and shouldn’t have sold it. I’m hurt by the judgment and don’t know what to say. Do I let it go? Suggest they buy the house for my brother?
– No Rest on Vacation
Dear Vacation: Why should you bear the burden of upkeep on a house you don’t even want? Your family friends are doing backseat accounting, an even more egregious sin than backseat driving. Were you supposed to take on the expense by yourself and buy your other siblings out of the house? The math ain’t mathing.
Tell your family friends that it wasn’t possible for you financially, no matter what they think. And ask them how much they’re interested in pitching in.
Dear Eric: I started a new relationship a couple years ago that has recently grown serious. I really love my girlfriend, and she is so sweet and kind. In fact, everybody loves her. The issue is that nearly every day, she mispronounces a word or uses one incorrectly. Sometimes cringingly so.
I am fortunate to be highly educated with a professional job and to have come from a family that valued speaking properly. She has limited education beyond high school, was married young and has established herself in a trade where she works for herself. I am very proud of her. However, I never know whether to correct her, if so, how often, or if I should just get over it. I think I personally would like to be gently corrected in private (e.g., by explaining the word’s origins and proper usage, etc.). Snobbish or helpful?
– Wordsmith
Dear Wordsmith: Ah, yes, you’re having a “My Fair Lady” problem. In the classic musical Henry Higgins, an erudite professor of phonetics, meets Eliza Doolittle, a Cockney flower girl, and attempts to teach her how to speak “properly” as a bet with a friend, falling in love with her and her vivid style of communicating along the way.
The question here is sometimes the same as the question in “My Fair Lady”: does she want your help?
So, ask her, privately, the next time it happens. “You said [X], but it’s usually pronounced [Y]; is it helpful for me to point that out or would that annoy you?” Then do what she asks. If you’re the only one who is cringing, then it’s not a problem for both of you and correction is going to chafe her. Language is fluid; the most important thing is that you understand each other, both in what you’re saying and what you’re doing.
Dear Eric: I really enjoy reading advice columns, and I see a lot of older folks frustrated that they don’t get thanked for gifts to their young relatives. Without meaning to appear ungrateful, I believe there is a generational gap here that isn’t being addressed.
I’m in my 30s. When I get a thank you note from a gift or a dinner invitation, I’m always surprised. It seems so formal! And unnecessary.
Instead of thinking “my friend/neighbor is grateful” I think “my friend/neighbor feels obliged to write thank you notes.”
A thank you note is not too much to ask, but it is just not as obvious as the older generation seems to think. So, I wish they could take it less personally. The expectation actually does need to be explained/taught in relational terms – “I feel loved/rejected/used when…”, with patience as the kids learn this intergenerational communication skill.
– No Thanks Needed
Dear Thanks: This issue does come up a lot, you’re right. And there’s definitely cultural and generational gaps but I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all explanation. You say that you have friends who send thank you notes. Maybe they enjoy it!
Your closing thought really hits it, though: we just have to say what we need.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
