Dear Eric: I have been dating a wonderful man for a little over a year and we are talking about getting married. I have been married once before and he has been married twice before with children from both marriages. His second ex-wife had addiction issues.
His mother has declared that she has no desire or time to get to know me after dealing with everything his second ex-wife put the family through. His mom keeps his child while he travels for work, so he says that he doesn’t have a leg to stand on right now in terms of insisting that I be included.
My ex-husband’s mother was awful to me throughout our entire marriage and I’m having a hard time thinking that I’m going to be dealing with the same situation all over again. I’m trying to separate my feelings for my current partner from his mother’s stance on being hell-bent on not including me in the family, but it has been difficult.
Do I give up my dreams of great in-laws in order to keep the man I see a future with?
– Ignored In-Law
Dear In-Law: Your partner does have a leg to stand on. His mother shouldn’t be forced to like you, but if he’s not willing to even emphasize to her that you’re a different person than the ex and you are important to him, it’s not fair to you.
That said, it has only been a year, so don’t give up on your dream just yet. Your partner’s mother may need more time to trust that you’re going to stick around. She also may need more time to heal from what his second ex put her through. That’s fair. After all, she’s now caring for the second ex’s child while your partner is away, so the impact on her life is ongoing.
Give yourselves the time to heal and to build relationships. Talk to your partner about how this is affecting you and ask for his support, while acknowledging that this is a slow process. Patience is the key here.
Dear Eric: When I came into my wife’s family, I was asked by my father-in-law to do maintenance and repair tasks around his cabin since he knew I’m handy. My wife and her two brothers inherited the cabin about 20 years ago.
I continued to do the chores, sometimes with the help of my younger brother-in-law. The older brother-in-law just uses the cabin without contributing to any upkeep or even knowing what’s involved.
I was recently asked by my good brother-in-law to handle a problem. The bad brother-in-law sent out an angry group email to all involved asking why I was making such a decision for “the family cabin”?
He wrote that it’s not fair that I do all this work, and we should “set a budget and make priorities for maintenance” together. I then made a more complete list of yearly items required, as well as a list of things done as needed.
His next email completely cut me off the thread and he complained to my good brother-in-law that I must be a braggart and a complainer. I now resent doing anything at the cabin. My wife and her younger brother want to tiptoe around the older brother’s ego.
We currently have a difficult repair needed that I can handle, but haven’t volunteered, as I don’t want to hear any second-guessing or whining from the bad brother-in-law. What would you do from here on out?
– Conflict in the Cabin
Dear Conflict: Someone shared your brother-in-law’s response with you after you were cut out of the thread so now the physical work on the cabin and the work of diffusing a squabble are falling to you. This family must think you really can fix anything.
The way your “bad” brother-in-law is going about this is unproductive, but he does have a point: it isn’t fair that you’re taking this on yourself. This family, you included, owes each other a conversation about how this cabin is maintained and its future, so that this legacy of ego and miscommunication isn’t passed to the next generation.
Decades of sibling dynamics may make this hard. Your “bad” brother-in-law could be feeling displaced as the oldest, what with you getting requests from his late father and his own brother. This also isn’t your problem to solve.
However, you should be clear with your wife and your “good” brother-in-law that you need their support. After all, it was the “good” brother-in-law who asked you to make the repair that started this row. Why wouldn’t he correct his brother’s mistaken idea?
Separately, you can either have a direct conversation with your “bad” brother-in-law about working together, or you can grab your tool bag and fix what you can. I’d opt for the tools.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
