Dear Eric: I am 80 years old and have been married to the best possible wife for 33 years. We connect and are soulmates. My question is: why have I recently found myself jealous about her affair with a 17-year-old high school student when she was a 27-year-old teacher? This was mentioned a long time ago in our sharing about former relationships. Why has this reactive jealousy consumed me now? I want to know many details about that encounter but realize that will only dig me deeper into my obsession. My constant rumination is putting a strain on my side of our marriage. What can I do?
– Past Replay
Dear Replay: Whenever seemingly random events from the past take up new residence in my mind, I always think of that moment in a crime drama when a body floats to the surface of a swamp to be discovered years after the initial crime. Like the plot of a crime drama, these mysterious feelings always involve more questions than answers and they’re never really about what they initially seem to be about.
What your wife did wasn’t appropriate, but it doesn’t sound like this new obsession is about ethical violations. I don’t think it’s about what happened in the past at all. If you have the resources, talking to a counselor or therapist about this fixation can help you get to the root of what you’re really stressed about. Maybe there’s something shifting in your marriage, maybe you’re experiencing anxiety about yourself or your body. These things are normal and it’s possible to shift your thinking about them so that the movies in your mind stop playing. Your local Department of Aging may also be able to point you to free or low-cost options for counseling available to seniors
It’s also important to put a clear boundary between what’s going on in your head and what’s going on in your marriage. Tell your wife that you can’t stop fixating on this event and also what your plan is to remedy that. Don’t make your obsession her issue, but if there’s something in your marriage that needs to be worked out, being upfront about what else is going on in your head will clear the path for healthier discussion.
Dear Eric: About three years ago, a work friend “T” and I quickly became close. T professed her (platonic) love effusively. I, a non-trusting person who usually keeps people at arm’s length, believed I had found a new “bestie”.
But, once in a while and completely unexpectedly, T goes into a “mean girl” mode.
She’ll make undermining comments about my appearance, snap at me about seemingly trivial things, and act annoyed and pissed off throughout our encounter. In group situations, the irritation seems laser-focused on my behavior and no one else’s.
We have already had one blow-up after which I ended the friendship. A year later, we reconciled when she reached out. But on a recent weekend trip together, her “mean girl” persona reared its ugly head. When I told her how it made me feel, she made excuses, saying that it was because I don’t listen to her adequately.
These episodes are also a painful reminder of my sister, who has a personality disorder and exhibits similar behavior toward me. I eventually had to distance myself from her for my own well-being.
It’s difficult to form close friendships in middle age, and I don’t want to give up on my friendship with T, but I can’t continue feeling like her emotional punching bag. Any ideas how to handle this situation without losing the good part of our relationship?
– Undermined and Over It
Dear Undermined: At some point, prior to meeting you, T learned that if she wasn’t getting the attention she wants, she should be aggressively mean. And she learned that to get someone to like her she should bombard them with love. Neither of these lessons is true, and now you’re suffering for it.
Worse still, because T’s behavior mimics your sister’s, it’s likely prompting you to put up with it longer than you might otherwise. This is a terrible vise you’re in and I’m sorry.
Try talking to T in a non-mean girl moment, setting a clear boundary. Even if she’s not feeling listened to, abusive language or behavior is a no-go. Tell her that in order to maintain this relationship, she has to control herself. Ask her if she understands how this makes you feel and what her plan is to set a healthier course for your friendship.
If T won’t respect your boundary, then it’s safest for you to limit your contact with her. I hope she can be the bestie you deserve, but for your own well-being, she might be best as an arm’s-length friend.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
