Dear Amy: My 46-year-old daughter, “Janet” has had a difficult life. One of her children was born with a severe illness. It was traumatic for all of us to care for this child during the years that she clung to life. Janet suffered most of all, forced to leave behind a very promising career as she stayed home to give her child round-the-clock nursing care.
My husband and I fought to move to be close to them, but the Great Recession made it impossible for us to sell our house. The best we could do was to make two- and three-week trips every couple of months.
Fast-forward 14 years. We were finally able to sell our house. We were shocked to find out Janet had told others she hoped we wouldn’t relocate near her.
She might worry that we would be too domineering. When she was a child, we often had to twist her arm to get her to sign up for art classes or go away to camp.
Their enduring grief complicates everything.
Meanwhile, all the wariness has spilled onto our two grandchildren, denying us closeness.
Is there anything to be done?
— Grieving Grandma
Dear Grandma: Yes, you can change. If you have been too domineering or opinionated in the past, you should stop being that way, now.
You should develop your own interests and friendships. Attend your grandkids’ school events, but don’t twist their arms to do things you want them to do. Get to know them on their terms, to whatever extent you can.
Do your best to be a humble, supportive, and positive presence.
