The faculty and staff at IUPUC and Ivy Tech are reading Brené Brown’s “Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way we Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” this semester. Brown discusses a process to recover from failures and challenges in our lives. One part of this process is to “rumble” with or challenge the stories we tell ourselves to get to a place of greater truth.
Brown explains that when things don’t go well, we tell ourselves stories to make sense of what’s happening. These first stories are generally driven by emotion and a need for self-protection and thus are probably not very accurate. Rumbling with our stories pushes us to examine our emotions, our thinking, and our understanding of the situation.
One example of this rumbling process really impacted me. Brown was asked to speak at a conference and reluctantly agreed to share a room with another speaker. When Brown arrived at the room, her roommate had her dirty shoes on the hotel couch and then proceeded to wipe excess frosting from a cinnamon roll on the couch. When Brown looked at her in horror, her roommate smiled, shrugged, and said, “It’s not our couch.” Brown’s roommate then went out to the tiny patio to smoke and laughed off Brown’s concerns about the smoke entering their non-smoking room.
Brown found her irritation with this woman spilling over into her perception of everyone around her as she headed home, so she set up an appointment with her therapist, Diana. As Brown discussed the experience with her, Diana asked her, “Do you think it’s possible that your roommate was doing the best she could that weekend?” Brown was incensed and was sure her therapist couldn’t really believe that, but Diana reaffirmed her position, “Yes, I really do believe that most of us are doing the very best we can with the tools we have. I believe we can grow and get better, but I also believe that most of us are really doing our best.”
Brown was still not convinced, so she started asking people if they thought that, in general, people were doing the best they could. She only changed her position when a friend she questioned gave an example of people not doing their best and Brown’s actions in this area did not meet her friend’s standards, even though Brown gave this activity her best efforts.
I really like this approach to dealing with others. It can prevent me from making up an inaccurate story for someone’s motivation. Brown’s husband sums up another good reason for thinking this way: “My life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.” Applying this perspective can also help us be less angry and frustrated with others.
I shared this way of viewing people with my husband. He decided it could help him heal a rift with a longtime friend due to political views. We both realized this method could help us move past frustrations with our ex-spouses. I can also ponder this question when I work with my students. Instead of being frustrated with poor performance or behavior, I can assume my students are doing the best they can at the moment. My class may not be the top priority in their lives. This doesn’t mean I need to relax my standards, but I can let go of my negative view and choose to see them more compassionately.
Brown discovered an interesting pattern as she kept asking others this question. Those who thought people were doing their best explained that they themselves often fell short but had good intentions while those who didn’t feel people were doing their best were equally as critical of themselves.
To avoid detrimental self-criticism, we can apply this perspective to ourselves especially when things don’t go how we hoped or are difficult. We are generally doing the best we can, and our best may vary from day to day or even moment to moment. We all fall short of our intentions but judging ourselves harshly for our failures may prevent us from finding ways to improve. I encourage you to extend compassion as you look at others and yourself by remembering that everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have at the moment.
